


You Cry A Little (So Do I)

by Kendrene



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cutting, Daddy Kink, Doctor Clarke, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fine Stud Lexa, Fluff and Smut, Genderfluid Character, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Light Dom/sub, Self-Harm, Strap-Ons, Sub Drop, Sub Headspace, genderfluid!Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 19:17:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10600476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kendrene/pseuds/Kendrene
Summary: Clarke works at the Presbyterian Hospital in NYC - she deals with death and loss everyday. What happens when she can't deal with it anymore?Lexa is there to lift her of course. Or rather - they uplift each other.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N PLEASE READ 
> 
> This fic deals with some heavy topics, including self-harm (although I tried to not be graphic) and the process of grieving. It also features daddy kink (in my personal, soft and comforting interpretation of it) so please, consider the tags before reading. Some of the things listed in them may be triggering for you. Reader discretion is advised.
> 
> In regards to the genderfluid tag, and Lexa being portrayed as such - I ran the fic by a friend who identifies as genderfluid, because while I really wanted to write this, I also did not want to offend anyone. They have assured me I did fine, but please, if you have any concerns do sound off in the comments and explain why to me. My door is open.
> 
> Enjoy.

It had happened again, and Clarke didn’t know how to deal.

Perhaps it was worse because the patient was so young, perhaps it was the circumstances, but this time she barely made it out of the hospital before her professional facade started to crumble. She didn’t even change out of her green scrubs, just throwing her jacket over them before hurrying out the door, barely waving to the nurse on station. Thankfully it was Indra on shift, and the woman had known her long enough to figure out what was going on behind Clarke’s seemingly distant blue eyes.

She rushed down the metro station’s steps, bumping into the 8 a.m. surge of people that invaded lower Manhattan, intent on starting their own workday as her own ended.

The blonde left a trail of muttered apologies in her wake, eyes trained to the pavement at her feet. She knew how drawn her face looked as she tried to keep it all together, and if someone met her eye now tears would start to fall and never stop.

Everyone around her was too loud, and happy or as happy as one could be on Monday morning, and Clarke swallowed thickly, nails digging into the palms of her hands as she clenched them into fists.

There was _so much_ life around her, and she grimaced at the thought, hating that she despised their liveliness, because the dead child back at the hospital was nobody’s fault except perhaps her own.

The tears threatened to spill down her cheeks and drown her, but then the train arrived, shrieking down the tunnel and coming to a halt so loud that it erased thought. Clarke let the wave of people pushing at her back carry her along into the cramped compartment and she closed her eyes, counting the stops until she was finally home and could let everything out.

The closer she got to her stop, the harder it became to breathe.

********

She almost ran out of the station, weaving in and out of the crowd as she made her way to the apartment complex where she lived with Lexa. Even the green flash of Central Park’s trees peeking through the buildings failed to soothe her and her breathing turned to ragged, violent puffs of air that failed to fill her lungs.

Their building was tucked away next to the park, a place they could afford more because of Lexa’s job than her own. She made it to the front door as the first sob ripped her rib cage open, and ignored the startled look of one of her neighbours, old Mr. Pike as she almost crashed into him, his little pomeranian snarling at her ankles.

She heard the man mutter something uncomplimentary about manners and young people as she almost dived head-first into the elevator and, while she usually would have a snarky retort, today she was beyond caring.

A second sob wreaked havoc inside her chest, and the world around her became a blur as she palmed the elevator’s controls, desperately trying to get the damn thing to move upwards. Somehow she managed to press the button to her floor despite the fact that tears were making all the numbers dance and mash in front of her, and slumped against the metal cage as it rattled up, far slower than the tears tumbling down her face.

The last few meters down their hallway were a fevered dream, as she tottered to her door and dry heaved, the key shaking so badly in her hand that it took her three tries to turn it inside the lock and then slip into their apartment.

She retched again, but nothing came up, and Clarke was glad the night had been so full of suffering that she hadn’t had a chance to eat in almost 12 hours.

The door shut behind her with an audible _click,_ and she shed her jacket and kicked off her shoes, dropping her bag in the middle of the foyer before swaying forward and collapsing face down on the couch.

She clawed at a pillow, pressing her face into it and screamed.

Grief tore her apart.

********

It had started more than a year ago, the day they wheeled Raven’s unconscious form into the Presbyterian's crowded ER, and Clarke hadn’t been able to save her friend’s leg.

Numbness had descended onto her as she impotently watched the nurses push Raven’s gurney into the elevator to the ICU, a great darkness gathering like a cloud inside her heart. A winter storm that had made her cold to the point her teeth had begun to chatter.

She had cut.

At the time it had seemed reasonable, the sharp pain of a scalpel slicing the skin along her ribs the only thing that had made her mind refocused, the warmth spreading down her torso as blood leaked from the wound like a lifeline tethering her to her own flesh.

It had become a ritual, a way for her to wear her failures on her skin, where only she could see them.

Until Lexa had come along.

The brunette hadn’t asked, but her fingers had traced the scarring softly after the first time they had made love, and the green of her eyes had been so tenderly open that Clarke had confessed, trying to pull away as fear twisted her gut.

She’d been scared that Lexa would judge her, look at her with disgust, but the older woman had pulled her close, murmuring reassurances into her ear.

They had come together naturally, a bright comet and a planet on a collision course, and they had moved in together and been inseparable since.

Clarke had hoped that Lexa would be back by the time she’d made it home, but the house was dark and quiet and way too empty around her, her lover’s absence keenly felt.

She was chilled with her exhaustion but too drained to get up and fetch a blanket, and too tired to sleep. Familiar detachment settled deep into her bones, and Clarke floated in the void of her own mind, knowing that the one thing that would make feeling return to her limbs beside Lexa’s strong embrace, was forbidden to her.

There was a scalpel in the first-aid kit they kept in the bathroom, but she had promised not to cut. The last scar was eight months old, and she had been doing good since.

Clarke closed her eyes, mind filling with the enticing flash of cold steel, and licked her fissured lips, feeling her resolve crack.

She prayed for Lexa to be back soon.

********

Lex left the metro station behind, growling her way up the steps, shoulders twitching in irritation. Her eyes were grainy with sleep, and it had been one of those days when she had been haunted by a constant headache, dull enough that it wasn’t really painful, but settling with unwanted pressure at the bridge of her nose. Her teeth had ground viciously every time a clueless colleague called her Alexandria, the name feeling like a suit tailored a bit too tight. The video call with the Dubai investors had been longer than she’d anticipated, stretching well into the small hours of the morning, and as she glanced at her watch she knew that Clarke would be back by now, probably fast asleep in their bed, pillows bunched around her like some sort of nest.

At the thought of her girlfriend a smile tugged at the corner of her lips and her back relaxed, spine popping softly as she worked her neck loose. Clarke was the only one that knew, that understood and had never questioned her when days like this would come around.

Lex never thought she’d find someone like Clarke, believing that whoever she ended up with she would always have to hide a part of herself from them. She remembered the first time she’d called the blonde her _baby girl,_ the pet name slipping past her lips as she was buried knuckle deep inside her lover. She had frozen, tearing her eyes away, but Clarke had gushed around her fingers with a throaty moan, and she had known that she could just be herself, and express her needs with her. They had talked about it after, and what had prompted it, limbs pleasantly heavy with aftersex and the blonde’s blue eyes had brimmed with nothing but acceptance.

The brunette rode the elevator up to their apartment almost impatiently, mind swirling with possibility.

They both had a few days off now, and perhaps she’d just keep Clarke in bed, and ask her if it would be ok to use her male name while they took a break from the duties of life. She had settled on Lex a long time before meeting Clarke and sometimes asked her friends to call her that, but nobody had ever known what it really meant for her, how much it helped on the days in which she couldn’t quite hold her own gaze in the mirror, body and mind not completely aligned. She felt lucky that she didn’t care much about pronouns, because people couldn’t just accept that she would want to use a certain name, or a different pronoun, they had to know why, and she didn’t have the energy to constantly deal with that.  

The first thing that crossed her mind as she stepped inside the house, was that it was too quiet. The blinds had been left almost completely shut, plunging the apartment into a grey non-light, and the only sound was the gentle whir of the heating system. When it happened that she stayed at work the whole night, and Clarke came home first, the blonde always left a pot of tea for her, and its delicate aroma would fill the apartment, never failing to bring a smile to Lexa’s tired face. But today the house almost smelled abandoned.  

She crossed the foyer quickly and almost fell over when Clarke’s discarded jacket caught around her feet. Dropping her own bag with a muttered curse, Lex bent and picked it up, hooking it onto its place on the coat hanger as her heart grew cold. She instinctively knew something was very, very wrong.

She had learned the signs.

“Clarke?” She whispered the name hesitantly, ears straining into the quiet, and then she heard the muffled sobs coming from the couch.

She walked forward quickly, shrugging her trench coat off her shoulders, ignoring it as it pooled on the hardwood floor with a whisper of bunching fabric.

There was no answer, and Lex walked around the couch, knees hitting the floor hard as she went down, the sight of her lover, a punch that wounded her, as her heart galloped up her throat.

The blonde was a mess of shivers, tears and snot staining her face, her bare forearms an arabesque of bloody scratches. Lex didn’t have to look to know the blonde’s finger nails would be edged crimson, or that she had dug bloody half moons into her palms as she clenched her fists hard to resist the urge of itching herself raw.

A horrible suspicion wormed its way into her heart, and she cupped the nape of Clarke’s neck firmly, squeezing until the blonde’s gaze cleared and tangled with her own.

“Did you cut?” The words tumbled harshly off her tongue, but Lex knew that right now Clarke needed to be handled this way. The brunette had seen it before, done it before and knew the blonde felt this way because the weight of failure was threatening to turn her very bones to dust.

Logically the young doctor knew that she couldn’t save everyone, but she took every death  personally. Lex had seen the marks on her pale skin, even though so far the blonde hadn’t told her why it all began.

Clarke held her gaze for moments that dragged into eternity, then shook her head minutely, and Lex exhaled in relief.

She allowed herself to soften, letting warmth creep back into her eyes and her hold lessened, hand moving lower to rub soothing circles between Clarke’s shoulder blades.

“Good girl,” she whispered and the blonde sagged forward, sobbing quietly, “ _my_ good girl.”

They stayed like that until the brunette’s knees began to ache, and then she stood, the blonde letting out a whimper as she saw her step away.

“You’re cold, baby girl,” Lex reassured gently, “and bleeding.” She shucked her shoes off and sat on the other end of the couch, arms opening wide.

“I’d like to clean you up but do you want me to hold you first ?” She knew from experience that it was impossible to force Clarke to uncurl unless she wanted to do so herself. Lex had tried in the past, and it sent the blonde into blind panic.

Clarke’s eyes flicked to hers, then pulled away and the blonde bit her lower lip. Lex waited, barely breathing, aching to close the distance between them and hold the shaking blonde to her chest.

“Please,” Clarke’s voice was so small and broken that Lex felt like crying, “please hold me.... _daddy_.”

********

Clarke nuzzled into the brunette’s neck, feeling lean arms tighten around her as she crawled into Lex’s lap and settled firmly against her chest. The reassuring scent of the brunette’s cologne filled her nose, and she inhaled it greedily, the tremors that rippled down her spine easing a little.

“Lex?” She managed hoarsely, cheeks burning with the thought that she was smearing tears and snot all over the front of the brunette’s expensive button up shirt.

“I’m here, love,” Clarke shivered as the quiet words tickled the shell of her ear, and her hands fisted the front of Lex’s shirt.

“Easy now. I have you.” Lex looked down lovingly, planting gentle kisses on the top of Clarke’s head. The blonde always seemed to know how she wanted to be called, doing it herself every time Lex had barely thought of asking. Perhaps it was the way she dressed on certain days that gave her away.

She nuzzled into wheat gold hair, and her nose wrinkled slightly at the smell of medicine and disinfectant trapped between Clarke’s tresses, but she knew that the blonde would have been in no state to bathe on her own.

To be honest Lex was relieved her love hadn’t made it to the bathroom, knowing that the temptation to cut may have been too great then. She closed her eyes, her stomach lurching sickeningly as she recalled the one time she had walked in on Clarke doing just that. She had made her swear not to do it again and so far the blonde had managed.

But there was a haunted look in her blue eyes, that told Lex how close Clarke had come to giving in today.

They sat like that for a while, until Clarke’s head started dropping on her shoulder, then Lex decided it was time for a hot bath and getting clean.

“I am going to take you to the bathroom,” she gathered the sleepy blonde into her arms and stood, smiling slightly when Clarke squealed and wrapped her arms around her neck, “don’t worry, baby, daddy’s got you. We’re gonna have a bath together, and you will be a good girl and let me look at your arms, ok?”

She felt Clarke nod weakly against her shoulder and moved away from the couch, carrying the blonde deeper into their apartment.

Lex’s arms were cradling her firmly, and she basked in the brunette’s wiry strength, pressing her face into the safe place between Lex’s jaw and collarbone, her lover’s flesh warm and welcoming against her cool cheek. She felt cold to the bone yet sticky with sweat and her joints ached, but Clarke knew it was weariness and not the onset of a fever.

The brunette’s strength never failed to amaze her, even if she’d been carried countless times before. Lex liked doing that for some reason, and Clarke loved the feeling of being so helpless for her. Being stripped of all control was something she had never known she’d needed, until she had met Lex. Her job required her to be always in control - people’s lives rested in her hands, and her team looked to her to make the best decision for each patient.

So many things in Clarke’s life had been out of her control, starting from her father’s death, and because of that she had actively sought a career that would plunge her into the daily fight against the unpredictable. This was perhaps more of a reason than having something that would help reconnect her to Abby. But as time passed, she’d grown weary, longed for a safe place in which she was not the one responsible, not the one in charge - and Lex’s arms had become a home and a safe haven where she lead only if she wanted to, and not because it was expected of her.

Clarke had thought that was what she wanted, to follow in her mother’s footsteps and become a good doctor, but the toll it took on her, the questions it raised were making her rethink her decision.

Clarke had never been religious, but she’d always believed there was... _something_... more, a force that governed the ways in which creation manifested.

But having people die around her every day had made Clarke bitter and cynical. What all knowing entity would allow a child to die of cancer? Or a mother to never see the newborn life she’d brought into the world?

She’d asked her mother, and Abby had smiled sadly, telling her that time would help her cope. Clarke whimpered against Lex’s chest. Time only had seemed to make things worse, but she was too afraid to do anything about it.

The thought that perhaps this job was not for her, that she had wasted years of her life chasing a dream that wasn’t hers to make an always busy mother proud, left her reeling and lost.

When she heard Clarke’s small whimper, Lex tightened her arms around the blonde, cooing softly. She sat her lover down on the edge of the tub, making sure she could hold herself upright before letting go to turn the hot water on and fill the bathtub.

Soon enough steam began to curl gently around them and as the room warmed up, Lex slowly helped Clarke to remove her clothes. She started with the blonde’s top, tugging at her arms gently so that she would lift them and allow her to pull it off her. Clarke let her do so without resistance, before bringing her arms back down, hands clutching the bathtub’s edge to keep her balance.

The brunette took a moment to rub her hands along her girlfriend’s arms, trying to work some warmth back into her flesh. She pressed her fingers gently in the divots of Clarke’s shoulders, then along her collarbone before hooking her fingers around the straps of her bra, sliding them off Clarke’s shoulders and down her arms. Then her hands moved to the blonde’s back, trailing along the curve of her ribs to undo the bra’s clasps. The garment fell on Clarke’s lap, baring her breasts, but while the sight would normally be enough for heat to pool in Lex’s belly, she was too focused on her partner’s distress. She placed her hands on Clarke’s hips, guiding her firmly until the blonde was standing in front of her, and then she slowly knelt, tugging on the green slacks until the were bunched around the blonde’s ankles.

Clarke shuddered under her partner’s touch, the rough pads of Lex’s fingers leaving tingles wherever they brushed. Feeling began to return to her slowly as the room warmed, wisps of steam dampening her skin. She felt as if Lex was stripping off far more than her clothes, delicately peeling away the layers she wrapped around herself to wear like armor in the cruel face of the world. Except lately her armor had grown weaker, chinks appearing in her carefully constructed image of professionalism.

Clarke wondered when it’d started and was afraid of how it’d end.

She slumped forward with a sigh, allowing herself to sink into the green depths of her lover’s gaze, resting her hands on Lex’s firm shoulders as she lifted one foot and then the other to step out of her slacks. The brunette was still fully clothed- black dress pants and matching shoes, black button up shirt, collar smeared with Clarke’s tears and a narrow tie of a pale, slightly shimmery grey that had loosened as they cuddled on the couch.

Lex’s soft, brown curls were pulled back into a severe ponytail, save for a few unruly strands brushing against her temple. Her green eyes darkened with hunger as they raked over Clarke’s body without restraint, and the blonde’s heart quickened, more warmth spreading down her spine as she felt her lover’s heavy gaze slide all over her. But that was for later, for a time in which the frost rimming her ribs had thawed a little, and her heart didn’t bleed with every pump.

Despite being on her knees, Lex looked nothing but commanding, and when she rose quickly shedding her own clothes, the blonde felt her head grow light with her lover’s presence.

Lex knew exactly what effect she had on Clarke. She flexed her jaw, purposefully holding her controlled demeanour in place, disrobing slowly, green eyes never wavering from blue. It was the same look that made executives drop a challenge during the most tense meetings, the jade-hard stare that sent interns scrambling off, lost and teary eyed. But the blonde simply mellowed out under it, back slowly relaxing, head tilting and eyes glazing over as she ceded control to Lex. The brunette stepped into her lover’s space, hands lifting to cradle Clarke’s jaw, fingers stroking her cheeks with feather-like touches.

“Good girl,” she praised and Clarke leaned into her touch with a small whimper, cheek rubbing against the palm of her hand.

Lex climbed into the tub first, then pulled Clarke along, easing them both down into the hot liquid carefully. She shut the faucet, and the bathroom grew quieter, the lapping of water against the sides of the tub the only soothing sound.

“Sit in my lap, baby girl?” She asked, green eyes gentle.

Clarke swallowed and nodded, scooting around into the water until she was sitting between the brunette’s legs, her back pressed into Lex’s front.

The brunette soaped up her fingers and combed them through Clarke’s hair, massaging her scalp and urging her to tilt her head back a little, so that she could wash it properly. She whispered gentle compliments and sweet entreaties the whole time, and the blonde shivered whenever her pet name slipped past the brunette’s lips. It made her feel vulnerable to be Lex’s good girl, but she craved the abandonment of senses that came with it. She wasn’t required to lead during these quiet times between them, just follow Lex’s guiding hand.

As the reek of the hospital was washed away with soap and gentle touches, she began to feel better. She slumped down, allowing the water to cover her breasts and angled her head up to place soft kisses along the line of Lex’s jaw.

“Thank you,” she breathed softly.

A gleam entered Lex’s eyes, sharpening her gaze, and a delicious shiver tickled the spaces between Clarke’s ribs.

“Thank you…” Lex waited, eyebrows arched, a soft smirk playing along her lips.

“Thank you, daddy.”

“Good girl.” Lex gathered Clarke’s soaked hair into her hands, squeezing the soap away, noting that the blonde’s shoulders had unclenched, the hot water and her touch soothing some of her stress away. Clarke had been resting her scratched arms against the tub’s sides and out of the water, so she snatched a clean towel from the nearby rack, wetting it and dabbing at the cuts as gently as she could.

Clarke hissed and tried to pull away, so the brunette reached out with her free hand, fist closing firmly around the blonde’s wrist.

“You promised you’d let daddy look, baby girl,” she leaned forward, rubbing herself into Clarke’s back, lips grazing the blonde’s earlobe before nipping it softly. Clarke let out a high pitched sigh, but she stopped struggling and sunk back into her chest.

“Just like that,” Lex murmured, warmth coating her voice, “you are such a good girl for me, Clarke.”

The blonde leaned backwards with a sigh, watching through drooping eyes as Lex cleaned the grooves she had dug into her forearms, the water lapping soothingly at her limbs. They stayed in the tub for what felt like an eternity, then the water began to cool around them and she groaned, snuggling impossibly close to the brunette’s body as a shudder raced across her skin, pebbling it with goosebumps.

“We’re gonna move to the bed,” Lex affirmed pushing the blonde gently off her lap and standing slowly, muscles loosened by the long bath. Clarke followed promptly, evidently starting to get cold, and the brunette wrapped the biggest, fuzziest towel they owned around her shoulders, pulling Clarke in the protective circle of her arms.

“Come on, baby,” she urged, walking Clarke to their bedroom, “we’re going to go under the blankets, and I’ll hold you as much as you want.”

“Promise?” Clarke husked, lips brushing against her chin.

“I promise, baby girl.”

********

She laid on her side, head resting on Lex’s chest, ears filled by the steady beat of the brunette’s heart. Her lover had drifted off to sleep some time before, Clarke securely tucked into her side, but the blonde fought to cling to wakefulness every time her own eyes closed, and her mind began to drift.

The nightmares waited, just out of sight, ready to pounce as soon as slumber stripped away the last of her defences. Clarke was tired, she yearned to rest, and yet she stubbornly held onto her silent vigil, fingers obsessively brushing over the scars she’d dug into her side.

Thirteen.

She counted over and over, thumb lingering over the spot where the fourteenth should have been. Other doctors would say it was a miracle she’d lost so few thus far, but Clarke could only see her failures. She couldn’t help but second guess herself, even now, even knowing that she’d run the numbers and obsessed over test results more than any other of her colleagues would have.

She shifted carefully, unwilling to wake her girlfriend after she had already done so much for her, and reached down slowly to hitch the blankets higher and drape her more snugly around herself.

Clarke burrowed into her pillow, small tremors twitching along her legs, and the dark, cold spaces inside her widened, threatening to engulf her entire being.  Turning her back to Lex, she curled up into a tight ball, arms spasmodically wrapped around her middle, as she tried to stave off the cold terror that whipped up a storm inside her chest. Her heart beat so fast she thought the sound would wake up Lex, and a chill settled deep into her bones, no matter that she had repossessed most of the blankets.

Suddenly strong hands were rubbing up and down her arm, and Lex’s lean body was pressing into her back, the brunette’s lips ghosting soft kisses along her shoulder.

“It’s ok, Clarke.” The blonde tried to resist as Lex’s hands tugged her around, not wanting her to see more of her tears, but the hold was too firm to oppose, despite being impossibly tender.

“You are afraid to sleep, babygirl?” Lex’s warm breath tickled her cheek, and Clarke found herself nodding, unable to hide even the smallest thing from her lover’s knowing gaze.

“I’ll make you tired enough to rest without dreams.” The brunette promised, rolling her onto her back and throwing a leg across her hips to straddle her.

Lex placed her hands on either side of Clarke’s head as she settled against her, and when she looked down, blinking away the last cobwebs of sleep, her heart clenched at the sight of her lover.

The whites of Clarke’s eyes were reddened by lack of sleep and unshed tears, their blue diminished, turned to the haunting grey of a November afternoon. Dark smudges sat just below her eyes, making them look sunken and giving the blonde’s cheeks a gaunt appearance. Sorrow creased her brow, digging unkind lines along creamy skin, and Lex’s fingers moved to smooth them over, and she wished that a word was all it took to rid the blonde of her personal ghosts.

She traced the contours of Clarke’s face, thumbs sliding along the curve of her jaw, fingers skating over trembling lips, rubbing the small frown that had chiseled a furrow atop the bridge of the blonde’s nose.

Her lips followed her fingers’ path as she pressed her body down firmly over Clarke’s. She kissed every inch of her lover’s face, until their lips collided, and then Clarke was moaning into her mouth, voice guttural with a need that went beyond the want for sex.

It was a plea, the prayer of a supplicant, and Lex’s hands moved expertly over the blonde’s body as she carefully began to put her shattered lover back together. Fingers stroked down the sides of the blonde’s neck as they kissed, hands rubbing slow, firm circles over her shoulders, and as tension ebbed away Lex hummed with satisfaction.

“Good girl,” she murmured softly, breaking away from the kiss for the space of a heartbeat, “relax just like that. Daddy is so very proud of you.”

She closed distance again, tongue tracing Clarke’s lower lip, and darting inside her mouth when the blonde’s lips opened eagerly. They tangled into the kiss, exploring each other’s mouths, before Lexa trapped Clarke’s against her own and sucked harshly, swallowing the blonde’s husky moans.

Clarke’s eyes fluttered closed as Lex’s hot, wet tongue claimed her mouth and then her lover’s hands were on her breasts, fondling them gently at first and then squeezing roughly, fingertips dancing around her nipples until Clarke was arching up, back lifting from the bed as she sought more contact.

Lex pushed her back down, held her still against the mattress, ignoring the whine that burst from her chest.

“What have I taught you, babygirl?”

“Ask..” Clarke gasped, every word a struggle, “ask what I... want”

“Good girl,” she shivered when Lex pressed her lips to her ear, tongue slowly laving her earlobe before the brunette sucked on it sharply, “and what is it that you want?”

“My...nipples…” Clarke panted, body jerking when her lover gave her breasts another hard squeeze, “play with them...please, daddy?”

Lexa smirked against the blonde’s ear, the note of begging that clung to Clarke’s words sending a blaze of desire down her spine. Heat coiled around her bones, spreading to her lower belly, and she felt herself grow slick, knowing that matching heat was flaring between Clarke’s full, soft thighs.

They had not bothered with clothes after their bath, simply sliding underneath the blankets, and she decided to turn that fact to her advantage, pelvis pressing down into Clarke’s own as she began to grind, painting the blonde’s tight belly with arousal.

The blonde’s answering whimper was cut short as her fingers closed around her nipples, teasing and tugging them to full hardness. She didn’t chastise Clarke again for arching up into her hands, simply bending down to take one of the inviting buds into her mouth.

Her tongue unfurled, flicking and licking at the hardened tip, before her teeth closed around it, nipping gently. Clarke’s hips jerked under her, and as their mounds came together for the fraction of a heartbeat, Lex knew that the blonde’s arousal matched her own. She bit her nipple again, hard enough to leave a mark behind, before releasing it with a wet pop, tongue soothing the reddened skin.

“You are so wet for me, babygirl,” she complimented softly, peppering Clarke’s chest with sloppy kisses, “so ready for daddy to take you.”

Lex shifted, rolling partially onto her side, so that she could drag a hand down Clarke’s midriff, nails scratching softly, before palming the blonde’s lower belly.

Clarke turned her face, nuzzling against her collarbone, and as the blonde puffed heated breaths against her skin, a new wave of shivers rippled down Lex’s body. Her lover’s thighs fell open without prompting and she cupped the blonde’s drenched sex, fingertips sliding along her folds.

Clarke arched into her touch, and Lex felt the tip of the blonde’s engorged clit rub against the palm of her hand. She smiled fondly, kissing Clarke’s flushed cheek, then pinched the throbbing bud hard, relishing the high pitched moan such a rough treatment elicited from the other girl.

“Please...inside…” Clarke whimpered hoarsely, mouth falling open with another whimper, “I’ll be good...please, daddy.”

“You’ve been very good so far, babygirl,” Lex praised, feeling the blonde press into her and preen under her praise. Their eyes met, and as always she was swept away by the midnight storm that raged in the depths of Clarke’s irises. She knew her own eyes would be almost black, their tender green pushed to a barely visible line around blown-out pupils that devoured her lover and all light alike.

“Inside...like this?” She teased with a small grin, finger dipping along Clarke’s slit, circling her tight entrance once before she pushed inside, groaning as the welcoming heat of the blonde’s tight hole closed around her flesh.

The brunette already knew the answer to her question, but she wanted, no she _needed_ Clarke to say the words.

“N-no,” the blonde groaned through gritted teeth, “the...the other..wa-ahhh.” Her words died into a strangled moan as Lex added a second finger, stretching her walls just a bit wider.

Clarke knew what the brunette ached to hear, and she wanted to give it to her with every cell of her body, but it took her three tries before she could work some moisture back into her mouth, Lex’s lazy pumps inside her heat making it difficult to form any coherent thought.

“Your cock,” she croaked, grinding down into a particularly rough thrust, “I want to take your cock, daddy.”

She cried out in loss when Lex’s fingers withdrew, her muscles fluttering madly in a vain attempt to hold the brunette inside a moment longer, even as she gushed in anticipation, scorchingly hot arousal dripping down her thighs and dampening the sheets below her.

Lex placed soothing kisses at the corner of her mouth, before moving away and off the bed, and she couldn’t help but longingly follow with her gaze, limbs trembling with desire.

“Keep touching yourself for daddy, babygirl,” the brunette threw casually over a toned shoulder. Clarke shuddered under Lex’s heavy gaze, hand eagerly sliding down her abdomen to obey. “I want to watch you tease yourself as I prepare, baby,” the older girl added, opening a drawer.

Then Clarke’s fingers brushed against her swollen clit and the blonde lost sight of her lover, head lolling back into the pillows and eyes fluttering shut as a wave of overwhelming heat shot up her spine. She felt as if someone had lit a fire at the small of her back, and the flames licked ever upwards, their strength making her marrow run like molten wax.

She gasped, pinching the sensitive bud and tugging as roughly as Lex’s fingers had, and bit her lower lip to keep herself from sliding her hand lower and fucking herself. Even if she couldn’t see Lex, she heard her putter around the room and could feel the brunette’s heated gaze rake her frame.

If Clarke didn’t obey daddy to the letter, she would be punished.

But perhaps… perhaps she wanted to be.

Her finger slid lower in silent challenge but, even before it reached her soaked opening, her hand was yanked away and both of her arms were pinned above her head.

“I said to touch yourself, babygirl,” the low hiss filled her ear as her eyes flew open, “not take what’s clearly mine.”

Clarke gasped as Lex eased down between her legs, the tip of the strapless dildo nested between the brunette’s legs, swiping through her folds. The lube it had been coated with was so cold that she jerked her hips away, but her lover simply chased, one of her hands moving down between them to line up to the blonde’s opening.

“It’ll warm up once it’s inside you, babygirl,” Lex’s lips trailed across her breasts, leaving a scattering of lilac blossoms on her skin, “and you want daddy’s cock to fill you up, don’t you?”

The last rope of Clarke’s restraint snapped at that, and she mewled in frantic assent, pussy clenching around nothing. She could only nod, mind ablaze with sensation, but it was thankfully enough to satisfy her lover.

Lex began to push against her opening, and Clarke hissed at the sudden burn of the stretch, even as she canted her hips upwards aching for every inch that Lex could give her.

“You’re big,” she grunted in surprise as the first inches of the dildo slid inside her painfully slow, Lex’s hips bearing down to win the resistance of her tight muscles. And the brunette truly _was,_ having gone straight for the biggest toy in their collection.

“Mmm-mmmh,” Lex buried her face in the crook of Clarke’s neck, as she jogged her hips forward, “but you take me so well, babygirl.” She inhaled deeply and Clarke’s scent, a blend of rosewood and sweat reached deep inside her lungs. “My Clarke.” She choked out, body jerking as the end of the dildo that was buried inside her own sex, dragged against her g-spot.

“My everything.” She added, too quietly for the blonde to hear. She gave one last push as Clarke’s legs wrapped around her hips, crossing at the ankles, and bottomed out with a moan. The blonde’s name tumbled from her lips as she stilled, gushing so much that her arousal dripped past the dildo and onto Clarke’s own mound.

The blonde’s nails dug red grooves between her shoulder blades and Lex took it as a sign that she could move inside of the blonde tight heat, so she pulled back slowly, dragging the dildo’s shaft almost all the way out, before snapping forward again.

Clarke rocked her own hips into hers, a hoarse cry ripping from her chest at the rough fucking, but her nails only scratched more urgently at Lex’s back, and the brunette increased the rhythm of her thrusts, grinding her pelvis into Clarke’s every now and then, feeling the blonde’s clit press into her own.

“ _Please_ …” Clarke’s voice was so thick with need, her words were almost too smudged by it to hear, “I need...I…”

“Just come, Clarke.” Lex growled, her own walls clenching around the dildo, body on the verge of a ruinous collapse, “just come for me. Daddy’s got you.”

The blonde threw her head back with a shrill cry and came apart under her, Lex only a moment behind. Her thrusts became shallower and sloppy as their combined release tore them apart and brought them back together in a shuddering heap.

Lex pressed her cheek to Clarke’s, skin damp with sweat and tears. She didn’t know if they were hers or the blonde’s, but it mattered little as they shook in each other’s arms, pleasure slowly trickling away, infusing their limbs with a pleasant soreness.

“I love you.” Clarke murmured as Lex eased out of her depths, pressing a kiss to the brunette’s shoulder.

“I love you too.” Lex rid herself of the dildo, throwing it on top of her abandoned clothes to wash it later, then gathered the blonde into her arms, their legs entwining as the frantic beat of their hearts dwindled into normalcy.  

Clarke’s breathing evened out, the girl pushing her face into the crook of Lex’s neck as the blonde finally fell asleep, body succumbing to exhaustion.

She ghosted soft kisses atop her lover’s head and then, when she was sure that Clarke was finally getting some much needed rest, Lex closed her own eyes, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

No matter the curved balls that life threw their way, Clarke’s body against her own always felt like home.

********

Clarke walked into the kitchen hours later, yawning and bleary eyed, but feeling like herself again. She had thrown on one of Lex’s old college hoodies and nothing else, only stopping by the bathroom to comb a few knots out of her hair. She smelled of sweat and sex, and the brunette’s cologne which was why she was going to put off showering until Lex bodily dragged her under the water.

“Hey.” She mumbled walking up behind her love, arms wrapping loosely around Lex’s waist.

“Hey yourself.” The brunette craned her head back, and their lips met in a slow kiss, “hungry?” Lex asked, gesturing towards the eggs that were cooking on a pan.

“Mmm,” Clarke moved her hands down the brunette’s middle, smirking when she found that Lex wasn’t wearing underwear beneath her oversized top, “always.”

“I meant for food, babe,” the brunette swatted her hand away playfully, “but I will keep you in bed the rest of the week if that’s what you desire.”

“Tempting,” Clarke nuzzled into Lex’s neck, humming in contentment when she smelled herself on her tanned skin. Someone else had decided to postpone washing it seemed.

Once the food was ready they sat together at the kitchen table, not on opposite sides as other people would, but squished next to each other so that they could press their legs together, or they could brush into the other’s shoulder.

Clarke was starved, but she pushed her eggs around, fork rattling softly against the plate as she tried to voice the thought that had been bouncing inside her skull since she woke up.

“I...I don’t think I can do it anymore, Lex,” there was no need to say this was about her job. It was obvious.

It had been obvious for some time, but she had been too stubborn to admit it.

The brunette’s strong fingers curled around her hand, squeezing softly.

“It’s alright. Whatever you want to do, you know I will support it.”

“I may end up earning less,” Clarke tried to pull away, tears of shame prickling her eyelids, but Lex’s fingers only tightened.

“I don’t care. We’ll move to the suburbs if we have to.” Lex’s other hand cupped her chin, forcing her to look up and meet green eyes full of understanding, “I only want you to be ok, yeah? Whatever it takes.” The brunette nodded at her own words to underline them, and held her gaze until Clarke nodded back.

“Now eat.” Slender fingers brushed strands of golden hair from her brow, then lingered on her cheek in a caress full of love, before Lex followed her own advice.

Clarke ate, and as she did she noticed the fork wasn’t rattling against the plate any longer.


End file.
